There is something I need to get off my chest.
I have been keeping a part of myself quiet for a very long time and doing so for the following reasons:
- My never-ending fear of looking like I am dying to be in the limelight
- Not wanting to give people any more reasons to find me strange
- Concern that it would cause some people to over-sexualize me
- Avoidance of dealing with judgment
- Genuine confusion as to why it is something that needs to be announced
Spiraling off of the last bullet I have recently concluded that that is just the world that we are currently in. So if I want this part of myself open to it then proclamation is what I have to do. Besides, these are some things I think that I will gain from it:
- Healing benefits that stem from sharing even more of myself not to mention self-divulgence being a stated large purpose of my blog
- Ability to be freely open everywhere with this part of myself
- Opportunity to outwardly connect with many more people that are like me
- Contribution made to helping others feel like its okay for them to do the same and increase support overall
I like people.
Meaning that for me, both attraction and relationship-type love go beyond gender or anything else that is outside a certain box of aptness. What I am drawn to in another person is primarily on their inside.
To further illustrate, here are some examples of how intimacy has been for me in my life:
- Feeling strongly pulled to someone before even looking at their face
- Being surprised at the appearance of the physical bodies I was connecting to compared to what I was feeling for them inside
- Having intimate feelings for people who identify as men, women and other non-binary distinctions
- Forming deep connections with individuals that are in other seemingly stark physical contrast to myself such as significant age difference (barring anything inappropriate, which is absolutely not something that has ever occurred)
This may be surprising to those who have known me for a long time but I assure you that it is nothing new. I was quite small when I asked my mom why girls didn’t marry girls and my very first crushes were definitely non-discriminatory.
I am somewhat sorry to say that I probably hid it all well. Outwardly to society I have only been with men but in my personal world that was not quite the whole reality nor was it a fully encompassing view of the potential range of my true feelings. All that being said I want to make it quite clear that the men I have been openly serious with were absolutely people that I did truly love and/or want to be with.
For anyone who wants a label for my revelation today as I totally openly become a member of the LGBTQ community for the first time, Pansexual is the most appropriate. If you are not familiar with this word I encourage you to look it up. I think you will find its description to be very close to what I have described today.
*whew* I guess I just came out of the closet.
I love you