Sometimes I really question how I am ever supposed to “make it” through a “normal” length of life here on this planet when after 34 years I am still traumatized and sobbing over the fact that I just saw a spider in my kitchen with a very small bug dangling from its tentacles. Ten minutes prior to this viewing I saw the little bug crawling across the counter looking happy as can be.
How can this world be so cruel? My first instinct was to be angry at the “evil” spider for taking away the life of that innocent bug; however, upon this thought I was reminded that for the last several days this same spider has been hanging in that spot looking very hungry and weak. Is it really their* fault that they are intuitively wired to derive their nourishment from the lives of other creatures? Is it? I seriously doubt it and was therefore sent into a tailspin of empathy for them as well and the difficulty of a life that is dependent upon extinguishing other life in order to survive.
So in a mere five minutes I experienced deep pain and empathy for both sides of this equation. I hurt and cried as though each of their lives were my own. This has been my experience for as long as I can remember although I spent a good portion of my life hiding this from others and often even from myself by using things like food and alcohol to numb out the pain.
But now that I am in a place where I can hide no more and have been for quite some time, I tell you this life is quite the roller-coaster of very deep emotions. That being said, it is WHO I AM. It is horrible and beautiful at the same time. I am both blessed and cursed to be able to sense and feel so much.
And those sentiments right there, riddled with their extreme duality, are such a vast representation of the entirety of life on this planet. Both my emotions as well as the story of the creatures themselves.
I send you love little bug. I hope you had a good life. And spider, I send you love as well. I am sorry for your pain but I also see your beauty in the lessons you are here to teach. And self, I love you too. Just the way you are.
I love you
*whenever preferred gender title is unknown I use the pronouns “they”, “them” and “their” etc as these are all inclusive